Growing up Italian American: My Grandmother's Wooden Spoon

I grew up in an Italian American household. My dad is half Italian and half Sicilian, and my mom.... she's not Italian at all but she sure tries hard to make food that reminds my dad of home. My dad's mother on the other hand, my grandmother, grew up in Brooklyn and is VERY Italian. And if you know anything about Italian matrons, you know that they hate it when anyone is in their kitchen while they're cooking. My cousins and I used to make a game of seeing how long it would take before our grandmother would chase us out of the kitchen with her wooden spoon and a string of Italian profanity.

"Esci dalla mia cucina! Poco bastardi!" And that's mild. VERY MILD.

If you grew up Italian American then your ass and your mother/grandmother/aunt's wooden spoon are well acquainted.

As a child, I realized quickly that even my father and grandfather were not immune from my grandmother's wrath when she was cooking.

Part of the reason why Italian women do not want you in the kitchen while they're cooking is because they usually cook in very small spaces. It's dangerous to have more than one person in the kitchen at a time. Honestly, I have utilized this tactic a couple of times.

Another reason is that you might mess something up. If you have been recruited to "help" in the kitchen, be careful. "Don't rinse the pasta! You're cutting the cheese wrong! You'll burn the sauce if you stir it like that! ESCI DALLA MIA CUCINA!" Honestly, don't help. As terrible as that sounds. An Italian woman being on her feet all day, cooking a meal for her family, allows her to show how much she loves you. It also gives her something to complain about. And if you tried to help and you messed it up, you're gonna hear about it for the next ten years.

And finally, and this is a big one, keeping you out of her kitchen keeps you from "grazing" and spoiling you appetite. My dad is horribly guilty of this. When my mother or grandmother cooks, he gets in the way and grazes. If my grandmother is slicing mozzarella cheese and she turns away from it for a moment, my dad swoops in and starts eating the cheese. Even the dog did this. My grandmother used to have a white German shepherd who did the same thing. She stole cheese off the counter. This called for a "DAMN YOU STAR" while my grandmother chased her from the kitchen with a wooden spoon. "DAMN YOU STAR! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!"

But seriously, stay out of the kitchen.