I'm not done yet but let me offer my insight anyway: The Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword

I love the Legend of Zelda series, but Nintendo has not put out a good LOZ game since Ocarina of Time (I am completely discounting the Water Temple there). So when they came out with Skyward Sword, I was pretty freaking excited, except for the fact that I was lacking a Wii.

I had decided after the disaster that the Game Cube was that I would not purchase another Nintendo console EVER. After the Game Cube, I felt betrayed by what had been my childhood friend, and I couldn't possibly bear to feel that betrayal again. Also, while working at GameStop in 2008, I decided that a console that had THAT MUCH HYPE had to be really terrible. I also was not impressed with the idea of "family gaming." For me playing video games had always meant sitting in a dark room by myself for most of the day while occasionally scuttling out to forage for food and use the bathroom if you weren't too lazy to do it. And the idea of doing that with my family or even "friends" filled me with a strange kind of anti-social dread. I just wasn't interested. Now Halo was a different story because Xbox Live allowed me to sit in a dark room by myself while playing games with friends OVER THE INTERNET. I didn't have to be in the same room with them so I could end up looking like this and no one would care.

Nope, I could still sit in a dark room by myself:

Also, after the Wii came out, I realized that it was practically PRINTING MONEY for Nintendo. I mean Nintendo could put its name on a toaster and sell it for $10,000 a pop and people would stampede over one another to buy the damn thing. CAD is perfect for illustrating my point here.

Anyways, when Skyward Sword came out... I WANTED IT! I had to have it, but only because it was part of the Zelda series! Unfortunately, I am a poor grad student and between buying a Wii and food, I chose food every time. While I could probably live off of the fat stored in my breasts for about a month, I was not willing to give them up to play my favorite childhood game. No. I had to be able to eat.

So I did what I do best when I don't get what I want: I sulked. Every time a friend would mention how much fun they were having with it, I felt the dark cloud of depression descending over me. 

Whenever I really want a game, I start losing sleep over it. I dream about playing it, cradling the controller in my sweaty hands, and whispering sweet nothings to my console while I tell it how much I love the new game we're playing. Okay maybe that's an exaggeration, but it's true that I do get a weird itch for it. And the itch won't go away until I make that game mine.

So a little before the holidays, my boyfriend started acting funny about my birthday present, which left me guessing until the end. I HAD NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT HE WAS GETTING ME. I'm kind of nosy so I tried to weasel it out of our friends. But they had all been bro sworn to secrecy. I decided that I would just have to wait.

And I did wait, until my boyfriend showed up in Pittsburgh for our normal weekend adventures with a big box wrapped in colorful paper. Now he's not the greatest at wrapping presents, so when I went to open it, I was greeted with this on the wrapping paper:

It was sweet because I knew that he had tried really hard to wrap it. I almost didn't want to unwrap it because I was so touched by how hard he had tried. But that was for like five seconds before I ripped off the paper and was almost floored by what he had given me.

It was a Wii with a copy of Skyward Sword.

Me: OMG YOU DESERVE SO MUCH SEX FOR THIS.

Boyfriend: I'm glad you like it. Don't tell your parents cause they'll kill me.

Me:

So later that day, I delicately set up my new Wii, and popped in Skyward Sword.

Now I have enjoyed the game so far, but I am not too impressed with the way that the story is set up. It seems like a small remake of Windwaker in its set up. And I FUCKING HATED WINDWAKER just like everyone else. Part of the problem was that we were promised one thing and given something else.

So instead of being in the middle of a vast ocean, you start on a rock in the middle of the sky. "Da fuck?" I thought as the game taught me to use a giant red bird to get around. And what baffled me even more was that Zelda is your childhood friend, who of course would never think of you as anything more. You are friend-zoned so fast that it's not even funny.

Compared to previous Zelda releases, the world of Skyward Sword is VERY VERY small. There is Skyloft where you live, a forest world that doubles as the water level, a volcano, and a dessert. "Da fuck?" I said again when I realized this. I had been hoping for a big open world like the one we were given in Twilight Princess, Windwaker, Majora's Mask, and of course Ocarina of Time. But no. You're given a small world to fiddle around with and each area of the map is recycled so much that as the game picks up, it becomes less and less challenging because of your familiarity with each map. THEY EVEN REUSE ONE OF THE DUNGEONS!

"Okay," I said to myself, "it's been 25 years of Zelda. Maybe they were trying to... WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING?! THIS IS NOT UP TO SNUFF!"

The game also over uses the Wii Remote. In fact, it practically gouges out your eyes as it shoves it in your face like "REMEMBER THIS ASSHOLE?! REMEMBER HOW REVOLUTIONARY THIS WAS?! LOOK AT HOW REVOLUTIONARY I AM!" The Wii-mote waggling is ridiculous. And what is even more annoying is that you have to waggle it to use your sword and there is an obvious delay between you frantically waving the thing around and your sword being frantically waved around on your tv. So the monster you're fighting has just enough time to shove their weapon up your bum before you can even attack them.  

But what probably bugs me the most, and probably bugs only me, is that Epona does not make an appearance in this game... I know, super lame thing to be unhappy about, but it made me upset. Also, Ganon is not the villain. "Wait... what?" I thought when I realized it. "DOES NOT COMPUTE!" And the explanation for it was pretty bad: http://wii.ign.com/articles/118/1184014p1.html

Also, the main villain is an emo, super man-fabulous freak. He reminds me of a villain from Jo Jo's Bizarre Adventure. At one point in the game, Lord Girahim tells you that his "heart was full of rainbows." "Da fuck?!" I exclaimed through a mouthful of Doritos and Mountain Dew (breakfast/lunch/dinner of video gaming champions). He's seriously creepy, but in a way that is entirely too hilarious:

Anyway, other than the few things I mentioned above, I have been enjoying it. I always love adding a new chapter to the Zelda timeline, which now exists by the way! How long have we been calling for it? Oh wait, yeah, now I remember, TWENTY-FIVE YEARS! If you wanna see the damn thing, click here! Unfortunately, it's complicated and it seems like after years of us poking them with a sharp stick, Nintendo decided to suddenly throw some crap together and call it a timeline. Pfft.

Don't get me wrong, I LIKE the game, but I feel like the last installment was better. I liked the darker story line of Twilight Princess better (it after all was the first Zelda to get a "T" rating). Also, Fi pisses me off. She is the worst assistant ever and you thought Navi was bad? NO. This pretty much sums it up:

So those are my thoughts on Skyward Sword. I like it, but it could be better. Also... NO HORSE! :c If you want a review comparing it to Ocarina of Time, which is what I was originally going to do but decided that that was too much work... well then bite me. IGN did some voting on which was better and I have to say that personally Ocarina of Time is still hands down my favorite. To the 113,000 people who voted in the contest on IGN's Versus... you're retarded. I think that it was really really biased considering that we have had Ocarina of Time to fool around with for almost fourteen years compared to the few months of play time with Skyward Sword. So ya'll can kiss my butt. I still think Ocarina of Time deserves the Zelda cake of awesome and no this cake is not a lie. Here's IGN's review by the way: http://wii.ign.com/articles/121/1212220p1.html

So long and thanks for all the fish!